Be still for a second
I am proselytizing to a friend when, in a cool tone as acidic as it is accusatory, he calmly suggests “Come on, you don’t really like The National for their music. You just like them because they’re so hairy.” Somewhere in my body a muscle contracts and a metaphorical organ housed in my heaving ribcage breaks.
How to be powerful: walk down the street to Sleigh Bells’ Infinity Guitars and pretend you are Alexis bloody Krauss (you too, ladies).
You have friendships, and then you have friendships derived from a shared appreciation of so-bad-it’s-good SyFy monster movies. The former come and go, but the latter send you excited movie reviews when nobody else e-mails you. Mama ~ check this out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fK2bBfuepKk The sharktopus climbs a mountain at the end, there’s American military interference in...
Ever wanted an asshole uncle? For fulfilment, read world literature introductory texts from 1909: “While we read the Shah Nameh with keen interest…we feel grateful that the battle of Salamis stopped the Persian invasion of Europe, which would doubtless have resulted in changing the current of literature from that orderly and stately course which it had taken from its fountain in a...
Alternate titles for the new Resident Evil movie: Milla Jovovich Is Beautiful In Slo-Mo Milla Jovovich Is Beautiful In 3-D, or X-D For That Matter Ali Larter Is Beautiful In The Wet Look How Quickly We Kill Off Supporting Characters Who Do Not Speak English With A North American Accent
Find new meaning
Glee is a certain happiness from knowing your M.Sc. in Tetris is helping you pack your shit for a transpacific flight with optimal efficiency. Dread is knowing that with every iota of Love and Care you pack every shirt and shoe with, the TSA will respond in like with Meeeeh. Morbid curiosity is a desire to learn the consequence of boarding an aircraft with a book called Use of Weapons.
Search your feelings
Who are you: somebody who happily participates in an activity involving a five-point harness (reverse bungee, the Apollo programme, the Dakar Rally), or somebody who shies away from anything to do with being strapped down for safety?
I got a nautical-themed pashmina afghan
Ahh. Nothing is more dull, fascinating, and intimidating than sharing a common space with beautiful young people. Bonus points if that space is the upper deck of a boat party where the playlist reads like a brazen suggestion to have inconsequential sex. I order a gin and tonic to steady my nerves (beautiful people make me nervous), and to silently reassure the PBR-wielding horde that no, I am not...
A clogged artery in the heartland
Wisconsin State Fair! Everything smelled like cheese and powdered sugar. Foods are divisive: does funnel cake thrill or frighten you? We ate something greasy. We ate something deep-fried. We encountered local wildlife. We tried to defy gravity… …but were sent back to earth, humbled and queasy. Why do we send people to war? Freedom? Liberty? Cheesecake on a stick?...
I have a list of qualities I want to see in my ideal cetacean, but I don’t have a list of qualities I want in an ideal life partner. Between these two lists, which one is my mother (bless her heart) more concerned with? Hint: She does not want me to marry a sperm whale.
Milwaukee Brewers vs Houston Astros
My cohorts and I find ourselves in the Loge Outfield Box of Miller Park with frozen margaritas and the same burning assumptions that come naturally to people not farmed in an environment conducive to the appreciation of baseball: football is our sport, and the Champions League our turf. We buy a pretzel bigger than our heads to disguise our fraudulence. Everything in the stadium was built,...